SO ......hErE wE aRe AgAiN

I'm staring at you
uncomprehending
You refuse to acknowledge the shit you've done to my damn psyche and
denial is a fucked up bitch sitting on my back
You can't mean that
You cant mean the crap i'm getting from you cuz
dammit
I'm back here again
where i said i wouldnt be

The scale now reads 210

good thing a bitch is kinda tall

So just another thing to add to the damn to-do list
July 23 is the goal date.
(my b-day in case u were wonderin)
190 is the goal weight. pretty realistic i think
I will keep u updated on my fake progress or lack thereof

can you love me please
i dont wanna beg babe
but it's all you're leavin me






always.loved.stories.of.unrequited.love

happy.endings.scare.me

pregnant with pauses

she had no tears left to relinquish for sanity's sake
no anguished screams to exchange for a night's peace
slowly stepped over into abyss
lost to the world, she smiles
Here nothing exists to remind her of him
or what he did
and what she was





pregnant with pauses (or some variation of that)is gonna be a series of bootleg writings to get me out of this writers block rut
They probably wont be complete or very good
but i gotta start somewhere

wish me luck








ps:hair post goes up when i find my cam
Will probably weave it up tuesday and continue this damn weave as protective style challenge

Workplace professionalism

i should probably be a lot more professional at the work place



I call my supervisor "fake llcoolj green mile lookin motherfuckin hoe"(To be fair
he is always lickin his lips when he's talkin to the ladies and he is a husky 6'5")
or "Shug"when im bein lazy (Shug as in Shug Avery not Knight cuz he likes to dress in drag on the weekends...okay maybe he doesnt do that but i tell him he should)

my coworker, an old bag who is always inappropriate but who i cant get mad at cuz he's old as hell n funny with his skeezy old man routine,"project hoe"
This old bag has almost no standards
He said so himself
if its walkin n looks like it could have been female at any point in time, he'll stick his dick in it
(I made him promise me tomorrow that he'll do one of his pole dances while on the train ride from work.Did i mention that he used to be a stripper back in his heyday. I think he told me his stage name was "SMOKE") ILL GET VIDEO N POST IT IF HE DOES

my other coworker, This thick jewish girl who wears tight pants all the time. "yeast infection skank or skankasaur" dependin on the day
she tells mad innapropriate but hilariously funny stories about her sex life
Usually starts off with "Wanna hear somethin funny"
She pretends to get bashful for about two seconds after which she proceeds to tell me about the time she broke her boyfriend's dick
or the time when she was twenty and she went to a hotel with some entertainment lawyer and some 35 year old woman that picked her up in the bar
She's great at parties by the way


This older British guy i call my husband unless he's gettin on my nerves at which point he's "the baby daddy who im threatenin to divorce and kidnap our kids and live off the grid somewhere he'll never track us down" i try not to get mad at him too often cuz that shit is a mouthful. He's this painfully thin British dude who loves horror films and can be quite patronizin and rude at times. That's why i love his sarcastic flat ass. doesnt hurt that he calls me "farmer slut" either (don't ask)


Oh
the fro is back



u wanna run your fingers thru touch it dont ya?

voices from beyond

Otherwise known as
i did not write this shit
otherwise known as guest blogger crap

You'll see one of these every thousand years







I logged into my FB account and my good friend asks me if I know of any places hiring. Hell No! You see my phone is off! How am I supposed to know of any prospective jobs if I cant even keep up with the cheapest phone plan out there? This phone company is even kinder because it cheerfully lets my callers know that my broke ass has been DISCONNECTED. Fully ensuring and entombing me in the shame and embarrassment that has been following me for the past...heck I lost count. Spent my last $20 on cigs. Fuck you if you're judging. That $20 wouldnt have paid for my phone bill and I aint going nowhere anytime soon. "blows smoke out in non-seductive way* It could have been worse. I could have bought the cigs and some cheap vodka. This has been done before but Im one of those "social drinkers" and I cant call anyone to "socialize" with. You can now see the dilemma.

Two things about the smoking. a) I used to be part of Truth. You know that anti-smoking campaign with the super lame super dumb commercials? I was all up in that. Did the marches, worked the field, went to events. Now I tell my peoples it was anti-teen smoking and Im an ADULT but they're not having it.
b) I started smoking with my ex's child's mother the day she came over to my house and told me his snakelike ways. Not that Im blaming her of course, she's a new close friend and smoking in my family is a rite of passage. Like becoming bankrupt.

So here I am post breakup and broke. Surprisingly enough I have a Valentines Day date. Even had 3 offers. This guy is not even my type. READ=Not a LOSER. I guess things are looking up compared to the past several years with my unromantic husband and the slew of nimrods before him. V day Date tells me to dress up in a state that surpasses Applebees wear (Do I HAVE anything to wear that bests Applebees? He's giving me too much credit!) And he will be picking me up in a motor vehicle which I am quite sure has no outstanding warrants and tickets on it. *takes a shot of Absolut* Things are looking up my people! Wish me luck!

stream of consciousness

niggas wanna play at shit like its a fuckin game
not takin time to realize that this world
for some
is little more than the streets
that hollow
like the barrel of that gun from which bullets expelled
like bullets ringing
aimed at life
hearts stopped
fists clenched
guerilla warfare
playin at being gangsta when they had a choice
heart hardened years of pain
daddy gone
village burned
women raped
crack epidemic
sweeping streets
six siblings nothing to eat
pick ur motherfuckin side nigga
somehow evolved into blood in blood out
i aint had no fuckin choice nigga
needed someone to have my back nigga
cuz wasn't nobody there
but you wanna play like u know life on the streets
like you can recall
those cold rainy days
as u slept on that parkbench cuz home
home was little more than four walls
behind which
the most gruesome shit went down
mama spreading legs for that next hit
visiting daddy behind them prison walls
wachya know bout pain nigga
wachya know bout
nothing in the fridge but water
and bread
wachya know bout
water and cereal cuz u couldnt afford no damn milk
children lined up waiting on relief
rice and cornmeal to get you thru the week
tell me when you saw your brother get shot down
bullet between the eyes
when you held his body couldnt hardly make out his damn head
tell me motherfucker
tears streaming down cuz now
now u really are alone
cuz u playin at shit that i done experienced
seen
no need for rap lines, video games, movie screens
were u there?
did you see the carbomb go off
did you see the bodies fall
hear the ringing of bullets
feel your soul leave
as you heard the thud
of his 6 foot four frame
hitting the concrete floor
body parts amidst ash and rubble
choose a side nigga they said
i didnt have no fuckin choice
soldier
didnt wanta be
had the choice wouldnt wanna be
but the choice was taken from me
choose sides nigga
blood in blood out nigga

Insert nonsensical crap here

so......
wat's new?

ive been getting out more?
uh
I dont even really have shit to say
um uh
I got a new bootleg weave

I honestly walked my black ass into the store and took the cheapest/curl-like shit i could get
8.99 a pack baby
dont judge me
I forgot the shit wasnt human hair for a second(i usually get the human one but im doin this protective challenge thing where i keep my hair weaved up or braided for the better part of a year...uh that shit adds up n its a recession hence the 8.99 hair weave. DONT FUCKIN JUDGE ME DAMMIT)
anyway where was i
yeah i forgot it wasnt human hair n my dumbass went and tried to curl it with a curling iron
weaveologist fail
the front crap is all crinkly crackly



meh
its being switched out in a month anyway
no biggie smalls


Hmmm
what else
I'm on a 'eat better so u look good for ur damn birthday' meal plan
This is not a New Years Resolution despite what my brother might tell u
Three comments in the past coupla weeks about the extra poundage (sounds dirty right?)
The first was to the effect that i was eating good(otherwise known as i can see the imprint of the bigmacs struggling to burst free of ur body)- this from my best friend's pops
Some old bag at church who told me i was at the edge of a cliff ready to jump into obesity ocean (well not quite like that but thats wat the fuck i heard)
and the third from the ole haitian immigrant who keeps bringin up long lost Bally memberships in conjunction with boyfriendlessness (cue 10-second long side eye)

Now
i was good today
sorta
two salads(with a lot of dressing, but dont even come out ur face n say anything)
2 fruits
a granola bar
orange juice/apple juice/and water drinks of choice
Tomorrow is not even promised so i aint even gonna front like ima be good tomorrow
dont give me that damn look
okay
okay
dammit
ill try



i said id fuckin try
its not like i pushed u off ur land and tried to kill ur tree god or nothing
fall back