Can i Live?

i'm just lookin out the window when she asks me
the same damn question she asks almost every time i see her
"So. you gotta man yet?"
(Really tho??!?!?)
me:*sighs* No
her:you sure? You better let me know if you do cuz if you go around tellin people you're not seeing someone and u end up pregnant....well people are gonna think you sleep around...you're a ho. u know what i mean?
me:*grimace* I'm grown. When i get a man you'll be the 2nd person to know.ok? I don't have to hide anything. I think at the age of 24, i can safely assume noone's gonna be alarmed.
(enter awkward silence)
"Do any guys try to talk to you...ask you out?"
(oh thnx mom. your doin wonders for my self esteem here.)
"yeah.sometimes"
(drop it already old bag. No need to beat a dead horse. I'm single and my ovaries are shriveling up as i speak.got it)
she looks over quizzically

"It doesnt go anywhere" *shrugs*
one minute later
"Do girls try to talk to you?"
(rolling eyes into the base of my skull)
"yeah.Sometimes"

Why's she staring into my eyes like that?
"What do you do?"
(I usually just say yes. "I'd love to be your lesbian lover" takem home and showem a good time)
the hell u think i say?
"uh.I say thnx for the compliment and keep it moving"
"oh.ok"

siiiiiiiiiiiigh
................................................

I'm sitting infront of the television talkin to the ole haitian immigrant
a conversation that includes such fascinating topics as chubby chasers, murderers, bestiality, homosexuality, mangoes and me being a lesbian


No you did not miss any revelation
I am still (as of now) straight
Apparently i defend the gays too damn hard
and that never had a man by the age of 26 thing (a brief foray into dating during grade school yrs doesnt count)
and that hypothetical story i started with " Well if you caught me in bed with a woman,"
My dad was like "Aha. I knew it."

fuck my life

I'm not gay old ass buzzard
im just hopelessly romantically awkwardly (not that cute awkward either) retarded
and the fellas i want aint checkin for me
and the ones checkin for me, i dont want

I'm starting to think i have a problem
did i mention im fuckin 26. give or take a few mnths (turn 26 in july)
folk getting engaged, married, impregnated, doin the impregnating every other damn second
and i can't get a man
much less keep me one

To the point that

MY OWN FUCKING PARENTS THINK IM GAY

aint that some sad shit
every time the word gay is mentioned in a news cast, movie, conversation, commercial
my dad looks at me to see if this is the damn moment ima choose to say
"Suprise bitches"

...

i loved him
and left him
then cut him
and kept him

in a jar


under my bed

Offering

My friend found out last year that her mom had cancer
She found out last week that her mother has a few weeks left to live

I can't offer much but
awkward hugs and thoughtful silences
because sometimes you don't want to speak

sweaty palms to clutch when you feel you've not enough strength to see you through even five more minutes of your day
a shoulder to catch falling tears
Inappropriate jokes and boisterous laughs to cut through pain
i listen to a soul lay bare
fears that there's not nearly enough time to apologize for hurtful words