I love you but

I can't want more for you than you want for yourself
I shouldn't
I want you to know that i love you and i'm here for you always
Despite the fact that my mouth spews blunt intruments sometimes,
ill listen
Really listen
even when i can't understand
how it is you stay with him
when he talks down to you
screams at you in public
grabs you violently
insists that your love is so small that it can only encompass him
I want you to know that im here
because i love you
and I see more
better
so much better for you
And i'm waiting for your call

i be alive n stuff

hey...it's been a long time
shouldna left you
without a few posts to laugh through

aight here goes

I've been working on myself
spiritually
physically: doing the gym at least 3 times a week(lost 15 lbs woot woot :)
lost 1.5 cup sizes n some much loved ass cuppage :( womp womp)
been expanding my damn horizons bitches
taking dance classes
back to reading a book a week
and writing poetry
taking in plays, shows, concerts (more on that in two seconds)
being more social and open to what the universe has in store (even tho its steady tryna throw sexy midgets my way)

still single and gangsta

....and 0 for 3
i have no game. like none
now i dont do subtle well
(or is it that ive mastered that heifa so well, folk cant even detect it?)
and my flirting is still in that 'elementary school, punch you in the damn arm, cant you see i love you nigga' territory
and when i get frustrated i just be like " so yeah.i like you. call me hoe" or " so yeah hoe. i like you. call me" lol

and i end up staring at the damn phone

and grilling all the damn midget heifas that be walking around with my tall mens
did i mention that the devil steady throwin sexy midgets in my path?
and i refuse to believe me lookin like a damn transvestite
arm in arm with some pretty midget motherfucker is in The Plan

arrrrrrrrr

look here universe
i aint finna be no damn 30 yr old virgin
hurry the fuck up!!!!!

i went to see Ledisi and Eric Benet at the Beacon wednesday
and sonnnnnnnn
twas muy excellente!!!

I had on my gangsta open back yellow maxi dress that is my go to sexy casual look ;)
maybe i had on drawers. maybe i didn't
youll never know

went with Jmac (that's one midget im happy to have around cause i wasnt finna go alone.i probably woulda ended up giving the other ticket to some random homeless person to have company)
My boo Eric was lookin quite dapper in his slim fit suit. yum
Tho Jmac kept laughin at his bootleg gyrations
im mad he sounds so pretty tho
Why this negro can hit notes i can't tap with a football field full of voice coaches?
Tamia made a surprise guest appearance (soooo pretty)

Never seen Ledisi live before and mannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
i love Eric but
Ledisi. what??!?!?!?
straight killed it man
First she came out in some silver dress that me n Jmac were both plotting to steal
The energy was crazy. Her stage presence was beyond incredible
She was funny,adorable, sexy, and silly all at once
My favorite portion of the concert was the set she did in these metallic blue tights and this gangsta leather jacket (short in back long infront) that ima rob her for if i should ever catch her in these here streets

Me and Jmac were discussing the uncanny resemblance.lol
i swear Ledisi's stage persona is me if i could friggin sing
complete with scatting, facial ticks, gangsta walk, and voice changes
Jmac was looking at me like "Bitch, she stole your act"

i'll definitely catch her again

had to leave right away cause Jmac had to get some damn sleep
I tell you it hurt tho, cause i sure did see some sexy chocolate in the lobby
and i put a lil extra in the strut incase any were lookin.lol

Maybe ill see one of them
In the Morning
to love me
love me
love me ee

lol

Bleh
ive been going through youtube vids all afternoon and im seriously contemplating doing the big chop again.
I feel like i need a damn change
and cutting my hair is a heck of a lot easier than losing those extra 20 lbs
we'll see
either that or ima start rockin some gangsta ass long poetic justice braids


Ima be headed to the bowery poetry club tomorrow night for 8pm if anyone's down


ive been tryna write but my head's not in it right now

To be honest, im sorta fuckin depressed
please dont give me no bullshit about how it could be worse
I know that
lemme wallow in this self pity shit right now because that's where i need to be

tho it would help if you wanted to tell me the shit u got goin wrong in ur damn life
or buy me a drink


im bout to go listen to some Luther

Life

Said she lived life with no thought to consequences
Her journey dedicated to risk
Her body, an intricate mural,
besides it'd make it easier to identify her when the time came
Death visited her every night in her dreams
So she spent her every waking moment chasing it

Can i Live?

i'm just lookin out the window when she asks me
the same damn question she asks almost every time i see her
"So. you gotta man yet?"
(Really tho??!?!?)
me:*sighs* No
her:you sure? You better let me know if you do cuz if you go around tellin people you're not seeing someone and u end up pregnant....well people are gonna think you sleep around...you're a ho. u know what i mean?
me:*grimace* I'm grown. When i get a man you'll be the 2nd person to know.ok? I don't have to hide anything. I think at the age of 24, i can safely assume noone's gonna be alarmed.
(enter awkward silence)
"Do any guys try to talk to you...ask you out?"
(oh thnx mom. your doin wonders for my self esteem here.)
"yeah.sometimes"
(drop it already old bag. No need to beat a dead horse. I'm single and my ovaries are shriveling up as i speak.got it)
she looks over quizzically

"It doesnt go anywhere" *shrugs*
one minute later
"Do girls try to talk to you?"
(rolling eyes into the base of my skull)
"yeah.Sometimes"

Why's she staring into my eyes like that?
"What do you do?"
(I usually just say yes. "I'd love to be your lesbian lover" takem home and showem a good time)
the hell u think i say?
"uh.I say thnx for the compliment and keep it moving"
"oh.ok"

siiiiiiiiiiiigh
................................................

I'm sitting infront of the television talkin to the ole haitian immigrant
a conversation that includes such fascinating topics as chubby chasers, murderers, bestiality, homosexuality, mangoes and me being a lesbian


No you did not miss any revelation
I am still (as of now) straight
Apparently i defend the gays too damn hard
and that never had a man by the age of 26 thing (a brief foray into dating during grade school yrs doesnt count)
and that hypothetical story i started with " Well if you caught me in bed with a woman,"
My dad was like "Aha. I knew it."

fuck my life

I'm not gay old ass buzzard
im just hopelessly romantically awkwardly (not that cute awkward either) retarded
and the fellas i want aint checkin for me
and the ones checkin for me, i dont want

I'm starting to think i have a problem
did i mention im fuckin 26. give or take a few mnths (turn 26 in july)
folk getting engaged, married, impregnated, doin the impregnating every other damn second
and i can't get a man
much less keep me one

To the point that

MY OWN FUCKING PARENTS THINK IM GAY

aint that some sad shit
every time the word gay is mentioned in a news cast, movie, conversation, commercial
my dad looks at me to see if this is the damn moment ima choose to say
"Suprise bitches"

...

i loved him
and left him
then cut him
and kept him

in a jar


under my bed

Offering

My friend found out last year that her mom had cancer
She found out last week that her mother has a few weeks left to live

I can't offer much but
awkward hugs and thoughtful silences
because sometimes you don't want to speak

sweaty palms to clutch when you feel you've not enough strength to see you through even five more minutes of your day
a shoulder to catch falling tears
Inappropriate jokes and boisterous laughs to cut through pain
i listen to a soul lay bare
fears that there's not nearly enough time to apologize for hurtful words