"aINT YOU TOO OLD FOR THAT SHIT??!?!!?

hallow's eve steadily approaches
what to be?what to be?
where to go?
got ideas?

ima bootleg the costumes from crap i already have in my damn closet
cuz i am cheap
and its a recession
and i am cheap

i was thinkin bout a bootleg 40's femme fatale
or a bootleg gangsta ass superhero called Mclaren ofcourse

what yall doin?
How old is too old to do Halloween?
_____________________________________________

Callin females out their name cuz they dont wanna fuck every Tom,Dick, and Tyrone that utters a "hi ma"
Who still does that shit?
dudes who try to holla @ me on flatbush is who
smh
I woulda got gully but um
they was rollin in a pack
and you know how ninjas get when they rollin deep
and those Bruce Lee moves i practice in my head might not work out so well in real life
ya feel me right?
im still gangsta tho
______________________________________________

Peer pressure stopped workin on me somewhere around middle school
I wear what i want
say what i want
drink what i want when i want to
and manage to do all this without needing anybody's damn approval or cosign
*gasp*
mindblowing concept huh?
not really but some people havent gotten the hang of it yet
______________________________________________

Askin chicks over to the crib on your first "date"
le sigh
Why dudes keep tryna play me
Am I that chick?
thefuck??!?!!?
Received my third house date invitation yesterday
This from a guy who should definitely know better
The next guy who asks me that, its gonna be a wrap
Ima just be like. if you wanna fuck, just say you wanna fuck cuz this playin house shit on the first date thing will get you nowhere quick
i'd respect you more if you just said you wanna fuck
genuine, grade A, organic, no preservatives talk
______________________________________________

_

Oh daddy dear you know you're still number one

Repost


Oh daddy dear you know you're still number one

It's the ole haitian immigrant's bday

So yeah
i love the ole bag

like me, he's a straight shooter
He laughed his head off when i announced my plan to go on American Idol
(now i was joking but his black ass aint know that. ida got my feelings hurt if i was serious)

I don't know how good an idea it is to tell your kids that they were mistakes, but my dad always let me know that he took his role of father seriously but it wasnt a situation he went into willingly.

He asked my moms to get an abortion
She refused
He left
I came
He came back
and the rest as they say
is history

Theirs was never a love story
and pops was sure to let me know that
not out of any sense of cruelty
just to let me know that raising my black ass was something that had to grow on him

I was a few weeks old when he came back
(he wasnt there for my birth)


he aint want no damn babies
but he also aint want to have any of his damn babies running around not knowing their father either
so
he resigned himself to his fate

The home life was uh
riddled with colorful language

Those two bastards definitely did not need to be together
My dad left and came back atleast 10 times that i can remember

Despite all the drama, i always knew that he loved me
even though he refuses to jump in front of a moving car for me
refuses to take a bullet for me
refuses to pay for my future wedding
and refuses to pop and lock when i ask him to

but since he cried when i got in that car accident, ima give him a pass

one of my dads fave shows?


aww man
the memories


The pops..
sometimes i just dont get him

We (the lil bros, pops, and i) went to go see Bad Boyz II when it came out in theatres
figured his black ass would have to stay awake thru an action packed film right?
wrong
i kept having to elbow him awake

I finally gave up and just enjoyed the blasted film
then towards the end, he bursts out laughing hysterically
fuckin scared the bejesus outta me
apparently he found the scene where Martin ask the daughter's date if he's a virgin hilarious
huh?
all the shit u done missed snoring all up and through the movie but u gon blow out a lung over that?
watev

His nickname for me is Danounou
I hate for anyone else to call me that
but from pops its all good

Ive always called him by his first name
Augue
infact he said that was my first word actually
ima bit skeptical on that one

i get my height from the pops
he's 6'5"

His pops wasnt the kindest of folk
real strict and unmoving

He made sure he was the opposite with his kids

He's only whooped me twice that i can remember
One was for calling him stupid
man
that was the angriest he's ever been with me

i get my sarcasm and wit from him
(the movie star good looks too.lol)


i'd say: "i hate u"
he'd say: "yeah. until u want money" (he knows me so well)

i'd say: "i wish you were dead"
he'd say: "yeah. until you want money"

i'd say: "you're ugly"
he'd say: " yeah well. i got it from u"

i'd say: "im going to run away"
he'd say: "what's stopping you"

fastforward to today

i say: "i love you"
he says: "u need money?"

he says: "i love you"
i say: " no thank you. u can keep it"

he says: "(some crap that gets on my nerves)"
i say: "that's why you're not married"

he says: "Diana. can you iron this?"
i say: "That's why i need to marry you off"

i say: "pops can u hold this?"
he says: "ima progressive feminist. carry it yourself"


Can't you just feel the love?

awwww
he's not just the sperm donor

he's my dad

our relationship may not be family friendly sitcom worthy
but it's real
it's special

it's love


and he can beat up your dad any day of the week
im serious
dont make him get gangsta

I remember

I remember...
Shit
What don't i remember? Kinda hard to forget the day you realized your mother might just be crazy. There were other instances to follow .You know, just in case the crazy wasn't evident enough and i needed a little more convincing. Apparently someone upstairs didnt hear me cry uncle for the 5th time in as many damn years.
Where was I?
I stood there, mouth hanging open as if my jaw had become unhinged, eyes staring out the kitchen window, hoping my mind was somehow playing tricks on me. "No this bitch didn't."(i only thought those words of course. I valued my life.Maybe value's too strong a word there but i wasnt ready to meet my maker just yet. That'd be some fucked up shit)
I keep going off in tangents
Yesh
Staring in utter disbelief as my mother nonchalantly chucked armfuls of my shit out the damn kitchen window.
"Mommy, what are you doing?!?!!!"
"Nothing"
"Mommy.Stop it!"
"It's okay Diana"
Thats when i saw her reach for my bag.
What bag?
The same bag that had held all my textbooks, my senior pictures and my senior dues
yes that bag
"Mommy, you can't throw that out. My school books are in there."
"Okay.I wont" she says, as she removes my textbooks from the bag
and then... proceeds to throw every single one out our kitchen window like she had bookmarked the pages with her damn senses and shit

TOUGH

i WILL NOT PRETEND TO LIKE YOU SIMPLY TO ASSUAGE YOUR OWN GUILT.SHIT....YOU NEVER SPARED A THOUGHT FOR MY DAMN FEELINGS

My life my life my life my life in the sunshine (or not)

so....
uh
how yall been
(i know full well that i'm probably talking to myself right now but thats aight.i missed this here blogging crap)

Ive been hitting the gym regularly
like really
no for real this time
lol
Helps a whole damn lot that my buddy Fiona decided to get a damn membership too
and ooh Lord
somea the fineness that frequent that joint
all glistening muscle, and abs, and tight asses, and quads
ima little horny sue me
(tho i was disturbed by this one guy. I like a guy with an ass but chile, if ur ass is the envy of all video hoes..sorry...video vixens, ummm
Honestly, i stared mezmerized for like 2 whole minutes (oh and he had the nerve to be on the stairmaster, i was gonna go push his swole self off but i was entranced by the two growths tryna pass themselves off as ass cheeks)
where was i
oh yeah
horny
I hear double entendres everywhere
i need some damn help
and my mind just wandered off into xxx zone again
i figure im safe from spontaneous combustion for the moment
_____________________________________________________

don't you just love e-thugs
especially when they owe you money
won't pick up their phone when you call
but when wanna get gully in facebook messages

I grew up in the streets of Haiti bitch
we don't play that shit
(ok maybe living there from the age of 1-3 doesnt count, but still, i figure weilding machetes is in the blood)


messages to follow in
3


2


1

dumb heifa: As you know I was told that the letter they received would"ve eliminated my part of the fees, which was not the case, so now that I have to deal with it I will when I could .

Diana : When you can? When will that be???!!!Ill have you know that the guy explained that to us while we were getting the membership .I added you as a favor and expressly told both you and Zorina you were responsible for your own cancellation fees. Should I be responsible for your actions? You do realize that i'm the one being billed for it right? I've been as patient as i can. You've had weeks in which to pay me back and get this resolved, you've instead chosen to play games.I'll remind you that you signed a contract. I've made repeated requests for the money you owe me.I will take you to small claims court if my money is not recieved in a timely manner.Im giving you 2 weeks!!!!!I was nothing but nice to you but all you did was show me that you could not be trusted.Remember the way you felt when Laurence didn't return your ipod?Dont attempt to con me.You currently owe 100dollars.See that you keep your word. .

dumb heifa: I refuse to pay you anything for be a unconsiderit bitch lol, I will go there with the money to ballys. it would be in your file. and plz dont contact me again Im starting to feel like you want me not the money sorry im straight LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! .

Diana: That's hilarious. I'm not even going to dignify that with a response because, unlike you, i'm way too old and mature to be playing these highschool games. If I were you, i'd get my life on track, especially with a young child. Just handle your responsibilities, pay me my money and get the help you need. It's sad really because i was actually trying to be a friend to you. Hell i even offered to help you get your GED. It really is a shame that you have such little respect for yourself.
Right now you're coming across as a liar and thief.I really do feel sorry for you. .

dumb heifa: which part of it made you so jittery. The fact that you"re a unconsiderate jealous bitch.Thats the funny part to me. What kind of friend can you indicate you were. Mabe an insensitive one not my cup of tea. You can"t ever be my friend, I thought you was a heart felt person, All you did was criticize, me about asking you for help with my studies, You"re a disgraceful person. I have a disire to complete college and I will all on my own. Im already inrolled in college, So thanks for the dramatic paragraph you wrote. I think you need more help then I do so get your fact straight before you emphasize what you don"t know darling! If you don"t like the idea of me giving ballys the money order, you can send me your address and I could mail it to you with no problem.

Diana: Not jittery.Unlike you, I have my shit together hon.Jealous of what?!?!?!?There is absolutely nothing for me to be jealous of. In case you forgot you were the one who kept putting yourself down talking about your flabby stomach, face and stretchmarks. I was encouraging you and I never put you down. I offered you help with a reduced gym membership, Offered to tutor you on your GED exam, offered you advice when you were talking about wanting to get back with your drug-dealer ex boyfriend, invited you out when I was hanging out with my friends (even though i should have known the kinda person you were when you didn't even show up to the club that you had invited me to go to and didn't even call before hand to let me know you wouldn't show up...oh and that other little incident where you lied about my imaginary boyfriend putting up pictures of you and your daughter.You're obviously delusional) Like i said, i feel sorry for you.

oh yeah which one is it? am i jealous of you or am I in love with you?!??!lmao

This can be handled real easily
Meet me at Bally's with the money order this Friday
It's neutral territory and you can bring whoever the hell you want .

dumb heifa: YOU ARE A GAY JEALOUS BITCH I WONT PAY YOU SHIT! who's the big kid now I think this is actually fun, to you. I just wanted to reach out to you, so you wont feel like damn, she left me hanging. Now that I see that you"re a confrontational person. I will do my best to prolong this bullshit some more. lol. You need to gain some confidence in yourself. There is no problem with me telling you about me having weight issue. Im not insecure with myself. I see it had a Huge impact on you. When you told me about the offer I tought It was a nice thing to do,although I was fine doing it from home. You took it opon yourself to kiss my ass. Its all on you. I wont meet you anywhere. Your best bet is to send me your address or wait untill I return back to work .

Diana: sigh
That's wonderful.

You now have until July 5th to pay your debt to me or I will take you to court. I've tried to resolve this in a mature manner, you choose instead to fling insults. You told me two weeks ago that you would meet me at the office to settle your debt. You did not show nor did you inform me that you would not be coming or arrange an alternative date to pay the money. That was the second time we had arranged to meet to settle this issue and the second time you did not show up. It is clear that you have no intention of keepiong your word.
You know what you owe. Both Zorina and the Bally's representative who signed you up will provide statements attesting to the fact that there was an agreement that you would be responsible not only for your monthly gym fee of twenty dollars, but also the cancellation fee of sixty dollars. If you are more comfortable mailing in a money order to Bally's, do so before July 5th and let me know as soon as you send it out.
Go find Jesus.

________________________________
The end




Ill explain from whence this crap came tomorrow
sigh
i really am too old for this
shit, i was too old for this crap in junior highschool

SO ......hErE wE aRe AgAiN

I'm staring at you
uncomprehending
You refuse to acknowledge the shit you've done to my damn psyche and
denial is a fucked up bitch sitting on my back
You can't mean that
You cant mean the crap i'm getting from you cuz
dammit
I'm back here again
where i said i wouldnt be

The scale now reads 210

good thing a bitch is kinda tall

So just another thing to add to the damn to-do list
July 23 is the goal date.
(my b-day in case u were wonderin)
190 is the goal weight. pretty realistic i think
I will keep u updated on my fake progress or lack thereof

can you love me please
i dont wanna beg babe
but it's all you're leavin me






always.loved.stories.of.unrequited.love

happy.endings.scare.me

pregnant with pauses

she had no tears left to relinquish for sanity's sake
no anguished screams to exchange for a night's peace
slowly stepped over into abyss
lost to the world, she smiles
Here nothing exists to remind her of him
or what he did
and what she was





pregnant with pauses (or some variation of that)is gonna be a series of bootleg writings to get me out of this writers block rut
They probably wont be complete or very good
but i gotta start somewhere

wish me luck








ps:hair post goes up when i find my cam
Will probably weave it up tuesday and continue this damn weave as protective style challenge

Workplace professionalism

i should probably be a lot more professional at the work place



I call my supervisor "fake llcoolj green mile lookin motherfuckin hoe"(To be fair
he is always lickin his lips when he's talkin to the ladies and he is a husky 6'5")
or "Shug"when im bein lazy (Shug as in Shug Avery not Knight cuz he likes to dress in drag on the weekends...okay maybe he doesnt do that but i tell him he should)

my coworker, an old bag who is always inappropriate but who i cant get mad at cuz he's old as hell n funny with his skeezy old man routine,"project hoe"
This old bag has almost no standards
He said so himself
if its walkin n looks like it could have been female at any point in time, he'll stick his dick in it
(I made him promise me tomorrow that he'll do one of his pole dances while on the train ride from work.Did i mention that he used to be a stripper back in his heyday. I think he told me his stage name was "SMOKE") ILL GET VIDEO N POST IT IF HE DOES

my other coworker, This thick jewish girl who wears tight pants all the time. "yeast infection skank or skankasaur" dependin on the day
she tells mad innapropriate but hilariously funny stories about her sex life
Usually starts off with "Wanna hear somethin funny"
She pretends to get bashful for about two seconds after which she proceeds to tell me about the time she broke her boyfriend's dick
or the time when she was twenty and she went to a hotel with some entertainment lawyer and some 35 year old woman that picked her up in the bar
She's great at parties by the way


This older British guy i call my husband unless he's gettin on my nerves at which point he's "the baby daddy who im threatenin to divorce and kidnap our kids and live off the grid somewhere he'll never track us down" i try not to get mad at him too often cuz that shit is a mouthful. He's this painfully thin British dude who loves horror films and can be quite patronizin and rude at times. That's why i love his sarcastic flat ass. doesnt hurt that he calls me "farmer slut" either (don't ask)


Oh
the fro is back



u wanna run your fingers thru touch it dont ya?

voices from beyond

Otherwise known as
i did not write this shit
otherwise known as guest blogger crap

You'll see one of these every thousand years







I logged into my FB account and my good friend asks me if I know of any places hiring. Hell No! You see my phone is off! How am I supposed to know of any prospective jobs if I cant even keep up with the cheapest phone plan out there? This phone company is even kinder because it cheerfully lets my callers know that my broke ass has been DISCONNECTED. Fully ensuring and entombing me in the shame and embarrassment that has been following me for the past...heck I lost count. Spent my last $20 on cigs. Fuck you if you're judging. That $20 wouldnt have paid for my phone bill and I aint going nowhere anytime soon. "blows smoke out in non-seductive way* It could have been worse. I could have bought the cigs and some cheap vodka. This has been done before but Im one of those "social drinkers" and I cant call anyone to "socialize" with. You can now see the dilemma.

Two things about the smoking. a) I used to be part of Truth. You know that anti-smoking campaign with the super lame super dumb commercials? I was all up in that. Did the marches, worked the field, went to events. Now I tell my peoples it was anti-teen smoking and Im an ADULT but they're not having it.
b) I started smoking with my ex's child's mother the day she came over to my house and told me his snakelike ways. Not that Im blaming her of course, she's a new close friend and smoking in my family is a rite of passage. Like becoming bankrupt.

So here I am post breakup and broke. Surprisingly enough I have a Valentines Day date. Even had 3 offers. This guy is not even my type. READ=Not a LOSER. I guess things are looking up compared to the past several years with my unromantic husband and the slew of nimrods before him. V day Date tells me to dress up in a state that surpasses Applebees wear (Do I HAVE anything to wear that bests Applebees? He's giving me too much credit!) And he will be picking me up in a motor vehicle which I am quite sure has no outstanding warrants and tickets on it. *takes a shot of Absolut* Things are looking up my people! Wish me luck!

stream of consciousness

niggas wanna play at shit like its a fuckin game
not takin time to realize that this world
for some
is little more than the streets
that hollow
like the barrel of that gun from which bullets expelled
like bullets ringing
aimed at life
hearts stopped
fists clenched
guerilla warfare
playin at being gangsta when they had a choice
heart hardened years of pain
daddy gone
village burned
women raped
crack epidemic
sweeping streets
six siblings nothing to eat
pick ur motherfuckin side nigga
somehow evolved into blood in blood out
i aint had no fuckin choice nigga
needed someone to have my back nigga
cuz wasn't nobody there
but you wanna play like u know life on the streets
like you can recall
those cold rainy days
as u slept on that parkbench cuz home
home was little more than four walls
behind which
the most gruesome shit went down
mama spreading legs for that next hit
visiting daddy behind them prison walls
wachya know bout pain nigga
wachya know bout
nothing in the fridge but water
and bread
wachya know bout
water and cereal cuz u couldnt afford no damn milk
children lined up waiting on relief
rice and cornmeal to get you thru the week
tell me when you saw your brother get shot down
bullet between the eyes
when you held his body couldnt hardly make out his damn head
tell me motherfucker
tears streaming down cuz now
now u really are alone
cuz u playin at shit that i done experienced
seen
no need for rap lines, video games, movie screens
were u there?
did you see the carbomb go off
did you see the bodies fall
hear the ringing of bullets
feel your soul leave
as you heard the thud
of his 6 foot four frame
hitting the concrete floor
body parts amidst ash and rubble
choose a side nigga they said
i didnt have no fuckin choice
soldier
didnt wanta be
had the choice wouldnt wanna be
but the choice was taken from me
choose sides nigga
blood in blood out nigga

Insert nonsensical crap here

so......
wat's new?

ive been getting out more?
uh
I dont even really have shit to say
um uh
I got a new bootleg weave

I honestly walked my black ass into the store and took the cheapest/curl-like shit i could get
8.99 a pack baby
dont judge me
I forgot the shit wasnt human hair for a second(i usually get the human one but im doin this protective challenge thing where i keep my hair weaved up or braided for the better part of a year...uh that shit adds up n its a recession hence the 8.99 hair weave. DONT FUCKIN JUDGE ME DAMMIT)
anyway where was i
yeah i forgot it wasnt human hair n my dumbass went and tried to curl it with a curling iron
weaveologist fail
the front crap is all crinkly crackly



meh
its being switched out in a month anyway
no biggie smalls


Hmmm
what else
I'm on a 'eat better so u look good for ur damn birthday' meal plan
This is not a New Years Resolution despite what my brother might tell u
Three comments in the past coupla weeks about the extra poundage (sounds dirty right?)
The first was to the effect that i was eating good(otherwise known as i can see the imprint of the bigmacs struggling to burst free of ur body)- this from my best friend's pops
Some old bag at church who told me i was at the edge of a cliff ready to jump into obesity ocean (well not quite like that but thats wat the fuck i heard)
and the third from the ole haitian immigrant who keeps bringin up long lost Bally memberships in conjunction with boyfriendlessness (cue 10-second long side eye)

Now
i was good today
sorta
two salads(with a lot of dressing, but dont even come out ur face n say anything)
2 fruits
a granola bar
orange juice/apple juice/and water drinks of choice
Tomorrow is not even promised so i aint even gonna front like ima be good tomorrow
dont give me that damn look
okay
okay
dammit
ill try



i said id fuckin try
its not like i pushed u off ur land and tried to kill ur tree god or nothing
fall back

Update

both my uncles and aunts and their kids on my dad's side are ok
Spoke to my cousin via skype
Told her she looked a damn mess
She said, and i quote, "I've been through an earthquake.Wats your excuse?"
lol
Bitch got jokes

Their houses are damged pretty badly and theyre staying at a different location
My dad's house that he was going to retire to suffered some damage as well
but it's still standing
My aunt's place of work basically fell down around them but she made it out
I'm so grateful for all ur prayers
I was hoping for the best but honestly i was imagining the worst


Still havent heard from my mom's side of the family yet
My uncle went into Port-au-Prince on business and we havent heard anything
Sigh
We've been trying to get in contact with friends and family
Askin folk if they can check on others and stuff
The road conditions arent that great in the best of times so.....


I'm gonna just keep hoping for good news
Praying that Haiti can get thru this
If it's one thing i know the Haitian people are, it's resilient and proud (yeah that was 2 things.sue me)

the first, and the only, successful slave revolt in the history of the world.
(no pact with the devil needed. Pat Robertson needs to sit his ole ass down somewhere. quoting the devil and shit like he got access to HELL TV transcripts)


We got the heart man
just need a helping hand



Now get off ur asses and do something
I'm watching you

Wat if....?

The what if's are playing in my mind and i'm really trying to not think about it
If i do, ill cry
and i won't be able to stop
so i pray
hope
that everything is....ok
ill be happy with ok
with alright
haven't heard from the fam yet
can't contact anyone
shit sounds bad
My dad was supposed to be in Haiti today
I fucked up his ticket and scheduled the wrong flight date
so he's at work right now
He would've been in Port Au Prince right now instead
They say everything happens for a reason
I'd be feeling this way times 5 million if he was down there
sigh
Can we get a fuckin break?!?!?
Can Haiti get a fuckin break?!?!??
Please



Help Haiti Earthquake Relief Donate $5 by texting YELE to 501501
Send some prayers/wellwishes/positive thinking my folks way

So.....

i'm just lookin out the window when she asks me
the same damn question she asks almost every time i see her
"So. you gotta man yet?"
(Really tho??!?!?)
me:*sighs* No
her:you sure? You better let me know if you do cuz if you go around tellin people you're not seeing someone and u end up pregnant....well people are gonna think you sleep around...you're a ho. u know what i mean?
me:*grimace* I'm grown. When i get a man you'll be the 2nd person to know.ok? I don't have to hide anything. I think at the age of 24, i can safely assume noone's gonna be alarmed.
(enter awkward silence)
"Do any guys try to talk to you...ask you out?"
(oh thnx mom. your doin wonders for my self esteem here.)
"yeah.sometimes"
(drop it already old bag. No need to beat a dead horse. I'm single and my ovaries are shriveling up as i speak.got it)
she looks over quizzically

"It doesnt go anywhere" *shrugs*
one minute later
"Do girls try to talk to you?"
(rolling eyes into the base of my skull)
"yeah.Sometimes"

Why's she staring into my eyes like that?
"What do you do?"
(I usually just say yes. "I'd love to be your lesbian lover" takem home and showem a good time)
the hell u think i say?
"uh.I say thnx for the compliment and keep it moving"
"oh.ok"

siiiiiiiiiiiigh




happy new year everyone
here's to hoping these types of conversations between the moms and i will cease



(just finished going thru old posts and realize that i miss yall guys)
come back
u can blame it all on me
lol