I am legend

Yeah i know i said today was gon b part II of yahoo messenger edition

I LIED

sue me if u wanna
just letting you know right now
i'm broke as all hell

Nyway

I came in late last night
GASP
i know
I went to go see I AM LEGEND
Another armageddon, end of the world, zombie, last man standing film
(There really are like 15 million of those types of films out there)
I will say that i enjoyed the movie altho since I love Will Smith, I may be biased.
Who moved Fred??lmao
NEXT

I am a sucker when it comes to emotional shit
I will be that one person crying in the movie theatre
I will be that heifa in the corner crying at the feed the children commercials
(hey atleast i ain't Tenacious. She cries at Finding Nemo. Actually maybe i should take that back. I haven't seen it yet. I might just cry)
I will be reading a book
put it down when i get to a good scene
stand up infront of my damn mirror
and act that shit out

I had quite the imagination when i was younger
ummm don't tell anyone but i had about 10 imaginery friends
well more like alter negros
like i could talk to them or become them
sort of like Sybil meets the exorcist

I AM NOT CRAZY
I am however, a tad eccentric

I talk to myself far more often then i should
(I could play doctor Phil for a second and go into how my troubled youth caused me to develop these imaginery friends in leu of the real thing)
but that's a story for another day

I was once addicted to reading
not to say I don't still love to read, but honestly when i went two days without reading a new book, i would exhibit withdrawal symptoms
I'd get irritable
I'd curse the old books i had talkin bout: why couldn't you be that book i saw at Barnes and Nobles the other day DAMN YOU!!!!
I'd get frustrated when the library wasn't open
Construction my ass. Yall couldn't wait til i got ahold of some new books first

I love PBS
It brought me such all time faves as:
Ghostwriter
ShiningTime Station
Sesame Street
Antiques Roadshow
Nova
Masterpiece Theatre
Don't front like yall aint watch the Puzzle Place
the list goes on


Goonies never say die!!!!!!!
wat yall know bout dat??lol

Teen Witch
Madame Serena man...lol
i used to try to do that voice
again. i am sane
speaking of that short old lady
I loved her in Poltergeist
man i gotta watch that again

Since i'm on movies
The Shining was that shit
did yall see the Simpson's episode of that ?lol
man i love the Simpsons

Next


I may be just a lil too old to be afraid of the dark
Maybe afraid is too strong. Just uh ummmm anxious???Like i'll look into the shadows and logically i know its a plant but that shit looks an awful lot like an alien and it wouldn't kill me to run past it real quick just in case it did turn out to be an alien. Yao Ming???

Speaking of aliens,
i think i was ready to believe my cousin when she said i had been kidnapped by aliens and experimented on because
1 I had that faint line running down my stomache thing
2 i'd get migraines often
3 they would sometimes be accompanied by ringing in my ears
4 i was a weird child
5 i always felt outta place

me being abducted by aliens really didn't sound that farfetched to me
I mean it was on Unsolved Mysteries sheesh

hasta manana

random tandem yahoo messenger edition

Okay so these random craps are inspired by yahoo messenger conversations that i've had.

If you want a lil bit of e-fame

message me...lol

names will be changed to protect the innocent and not so innocent

except for those who give express permission (suuuuuuuuuure)

okay two new sayings

saying no.1:

"Go fuck a dugong!!!!!!!"

LMAO

okay

here's how the convo went:

change *******: oh my

change *******: im gonna be sick

change *******: i forget what percent they said

change *******: but they said that a LOT of men reported having sex with animals

change *******: and they said

dejanae411: lmao

dejanae411: random much?

change *******: that dugongs feel like women

change *******: im watching tv

dejanae411 : lmao

dejanae411 : dugongs?

dejanae411 : huh?

change *******: yeah

change *******: its a fucking fish

dejanae411 : puhahahahaha

change *******: literally

change *******: so ancient sailors

change *******: used to fuck them

dejanae411 : man

dejanae411 : thanks for the lesson

dejanae411 : ima use that

dejanae411 : go fuck a dugong

change *******: LMAO

so apparently horny ass sailors/pirates at sea would sex up these sea cows cuz the claim was it felt like slippin into a vagina.lol. These same drunk idots that mistook manatees and walruses for mermaids. SMH. yeah riiiiiiiiiight. I can see them now; debatin over who's the better lay: manatees, walruses, or dugongs. The bestiality practicin drunks were just tryna find excuses. Does that look like a mermaid to you?

other variations/sayings: "Man what took you so long? you was fuckin a dugong?" or "I'm so horny, i could fuck a dugong"

Thicflair's contribution-- a new pickup line: You're lookin kind of dugongish. Rawr!!!!

translation: You're looking fuckable!!!!!

Special thanks to Thicflair, Spike TV, Manswers, and Yahoo for without which, this convo and subsequent earth shattering contributions to the english language might have never taken place.

saying no. 2

stop stonin!!!!!!

I figured since folk were tired of hearing 'stop hating', i'd throw my own saying out there

Some idiot who i will refrain from naming as to not cause embarassment, thought that "stay spewing venom" was a good look

What do you think?

Stop stonin or

stay spewing venom?




"stop stonin, son,"

"before i have to throw a boulder atya mama"

LOL

So according to Manswers, you can tell a lot about a woman by her breasts


cherry shaped, A cups: perky, fun, but not really down with sex

mellons: they dont like sex, want to be pampered

oranges: they dont enjoy sex, and are lazy (something like that)

pear shaped breasts: they are the fun folks, party people that get it in

this supposedly was indicated by a study (ummm yeah)


I'm not buying it






Why aren't there more anatomically correct dolls damnit???!!!

Ken is walking around without a wee wee

Ain't it bad enough that Barbie is a doctor/lawyer/astronaut/police officer/NASCAR driver/rapper, (yes i said rapper. This heifa has had more than 90 jobs) they couldn't give dude a dick. i mean he deserves at least that right? ain't even askin for no balls. The penis will do.

lookin like Mrs. Bobbit got ahold of him. It's sad really.



I love Sade, but she has a big forehead

move over Rhianna

you were not no. 1



Diana Krall

ever heard of her?

I got put onto her recently

not bad

not bad at all

Check her out on 'Devil May Care'



I love Harry Connick Jr.

he inches out Detective Munch (yes, i said detective Munch. Don't make me have to aim that boulder at your grandma's head)



I download practically all my music. I don't have but three CD's. Yes i know. Support the artists and all that jazz. They ain't goin hungry. I got bills to pay.





This whole pro baseball steroids fiasco is getting on my damn nerves. I don't even follow sports but i know about it. Everybody and they resurrected grandmama is on something.





Joe was on crack

that white dude was crazy

How the hell do you wanna call 5-0 then grab a rifle and head over to SOMEBODY ELSE'S HOUSE and shoot folk for trespassing. Sorry i mean self-defense. That whole bullet wounds in the back thing, uhhh. Maybe they were backing into him with ill intent and he felt the need to protect himself from the bodily harm their spines could inflict. SMH. Now you know dude was just waitin for the perfect opportunity to go shoot him some immigrants. Talkin bout:'Now's my chance.'



I don't play video games.

Not that i think they're the spawn of the devil or anything. It's just that they turn my brothers into the spawn of the devil. They be ready to fight somebody over that mess and they would never let a sistah play. In return, i have shunned them and their love of video games. Video games. ptuh. I spit on you.





Okay. don't laugh. Weezy is sexy. I know. It's crazy. It defies all logic. All science. But yet, it's the truth. What's his secret. I know you've probably grown tired of the word but it's his SWAG factor. Yep it's not a myth. Swag factor can inspire lustful thoughts about even the most grotesque of creatures (not saying that he is but come on. No Will Smith is he.) That being said, he's bangable. Oh oh. I mean he's looking dungongish.





slore slut/whore you can be it at any age

I don't go any damn where really. I'm boring as all hell. plus i got the old school Haitian pops. Need a boatload of immigrants to even head outta state. Nah. I'm exaggerating.

Only need a raft full.





I wanna go on family feud son. But not with my family tho. Ima have to hire some folk. That is not the show for unassimilated immigrants.





I hate when folk use area specific slang like i'm supposed to automatically understand what they're saying. Sometimes i call them on it. Sometimes i just nod and shake my head. I figure I'll just go look it up on urbandictionary.com lata



speakin of lata

that's all for today folks



look out tomorrow for part II

mating call

So i was out in the field today observing the mating rituals of the brownskinned streetdwellers otherwise known as the stay-hanging-out-on-the-block-aint-got-a-damn-job-probably-living with-they-mama-sorry-ass-negro (now do you see why i had to shorten it to brownskinned-streetdwellers). So anyway, I was walking down Flatbush Ave headed to the gym and this ignorant motherfucker decides that a mating call would be the perfect thing to get my attention. It sounded something like a cross between a rutting beast and a battle cry. WTF is that shit? i really thought we had evolved past the point where mating calls were necessary but apparently he didn't think so. He kept on with his mating/xena warrior princess battle cry routine for a block. 'soo wehing' the whole time. What the hell is SOO WEH???!!! SMH. Now i've heard of the mating call stories, just never experienced it first hand . I guess that must be why i got a double dose of it today. Yes i said double dose. This other idiot not even 2 blocks later decides to "woo-sa!!" my ass. I was lookin at the idiot like shut the hell up dumb ass motherfucker. He obviously did not get the look of utter contempt i threw at him because he decided to slow his car to a crawl and try to holla at me. Now i'm mad but i'm also wondering how many times his mating call then stalking routine has worked for him in the past. He seemed hella confident that i would get in his car with him and, how'd he put it again?, "go party with him and his boys". Ummm since when did party become a euphemism for orgy or gangbang???. I think i'll pass. Ugh. The sad thing is that for every female with half a brain cell that would dismiss these sorry ass nuccahs, there's one who will smile and hop into the friggin car like it aint nothing but a thing.

Whatever next

I got my workout in today. Made up for the other day's laziness but i'm sore as hell and my shoulders are mad at me. I think i kind of overdid it tryna compete with this sixty something year old lady in my weight training class. Yes you read correctly. The old bastard stays makin me look bad. I be all tired wanting to put the weights down and i glance over and the old bag is smiling. SMILING DAMN IT!!!!!!! Who does that? So of course i can't quit because i'll be damned if i'm letting some prehistoric relic out-anything me. Damn you Frida. DAMN YOU. (I don't know if that's her name but it sounds about right). Okay honestly. She has to be on something. Has to.

random tandem

I never believed in Santa Clause
I figured no grown fat ass white man can be climbing all up and down friggin chimneys and riding off into the moonlight with no friggin reindeer damnit
yet i somehow believed my cousin when she told me the line i had running down my stomache was the result of an alien abduction and subsequent experimentation
might have had something to do with all those Unsolved Mysteries episodes i was watching

Did anyone else watch the Untouchables?


What you know bout Duncan McLeod?
(That's Highlander for you uninformed)

Tell me why my 20 year old cousin did not know that Egypt was in the continent of Africa. I stared at him like: Motherfucker no u did not!!!!!!!!wonder how many other folk don't know that



I can't recall the last time i went to sleep without having my slowjams playing,
Cool Out Corner type stuff



CARPE SCROTUM SON!!!!!!!!!!!

this shit is no holds barred
so ima use the death grip to start
one hand grippin life's balls
the other seizing his heart

2008 is gon be my year. cover of People here i come



John Walsh is that man and he got the sexy voice.



speaking of John Walsh, i used to straight live off America's Most Wanted

be staring at the faces talkin bout: yo Christ don't that look like Mr. Thompson if he dyed his hair blonde and lost 20 pounds. I think your teacher is a serial-killer-fugitive, son.



if you get caught up with a kidnapper or some other crazy, imbalanced, sick individual, NEVER, I repeat NEVER let yourself be taken from crime scene 1 to crime scene 2. Chances of survival reduce drastically when this happens.



I figure if ima get got, your punk ass betta off me right here at the first crime scene. Fuck. I ain't makin shit easy for you. I'm kickin, puchin, bitin, jabs to the jugular, i'm crushin toes, I'm yellin fire,i'm kickin balls, leavin behind a mess of your blood, and hair. fuck that I'm pullin out my own strands so they catch your ass CSI style.





Am i the only one who's never been to the circus?



Near-death-looking old men in red pimp suits complete with cane have no business tryna talk to me. Apparently they haven't figured this out yet. What the hell ima do with your old dried up ass?

speakin of old dried up ass
I AM NEVER DOIN CRACK. Not that it was in my plans or anything but after seeing what these crackheads be doin for a hit....WTF???!!!!
that shit has grown men sneaking into back alleys to give blowjobs for an ounce of powder. That'd scare me straight (no pun intended)FUCK that shit.

Daydream

it was

sweet
reckoning
her soul beckoning to him across the room
can you feel me ? it said
and just like that he turned his head
as if his spirit could sense her
as if .....
with one glance he could tempt her

that he did

cuz she felt the pull, the attraction
and tho she didn't believe in love at first sight she definitely could imagine
date one: poetry reading then drinks
where they would discuss their favorite authors,
reminisce on common memories
lost in
reverie
of a shared yet singular experience

year two:anniversary dinner
dim lights and daises
cuz he'd know she hated roses since.......

since she hated roses
never really knew why

10 years later
3 kids
Isaiah, Charisma
and Malachi cuz she's always loved that name

"excuse me,is this seat taken?"
and just like that
daydream broken
or maybe
it was just beginning


Or maybe i wake the hell up and realize i'm not the lead character in a romance novel. I think people may be a bit unrealistic in what they expect of others sometimes. In real life, i've never had an immediate connection with someone off of a look. I don't buy into that love at first sight crap. NOT FRIGGIN POSSIBLE. That aint love playa, that's lust, interest, what have you. but it aint love. Next: honestly, he probably wouldn't remember that i hate roses. He'd just step through with them and i'd give him the wtf face and he'd be all like "watd i do?". Dumb motherfucker i told you two years ago i hated roses. puahahahaha
That poetry reading and drinks thing sounds hella sexy to me. Now drinks for me literally means a beverage. I don.t 'drink'. well not really.
I do love those names: Charisma. Isaiah. Malachi
I know i say i want 10 kids (if finances allow) but i figure 3 of my own is enough plus throw in some foster and adoptive kids and i'm good to go.
Now lemme see what dude is gon try and tell me i can't have my 10 kids. Nuccah please i told you that on day 1 and now that we married you tryna renege on the deal. Get outta here. NO 4real. GET OUT.Oh u aint tryna hear me. OKAY THEN. Malachi, Charisma, Isaiah. grab ur bags. We takin a trip. Daddy's actin a damn fool today. puahahahaha

random tandem

Nature Valley honey and oats granola bars are crack

I'm so friggin glad the semester's about to be done. School is getting on my damn nerves

Still not sure what route i'm takin

i think that cocoa butter crap is a myth. I been using it and the scars on my legs are still friggin there from when i busted my ass on that treadmill

Somehow he couldn't understand the words NOT INTERESTED or when i said I'D RATHER BE GAY

I actually like workin out now

i still can't eat right for shit tho
speaking of eating and shit

that two girls one cup shit had me dyin (what the fuck were they on?)

I watched CNN'S: CNN Heroes: An All-Star Tribute
that shit had me crying
good and bad tears
had me contemplating what i wanna do with my life too

I always said i wanna have atleast two careers
one being teaching

I didn't workout as hard as i shoulda today
i was being a lazy muhfuka

i really wish i could sing
i'm a mediocre alto
aint got the pipes
destined to be in the choir
no solo here

I Just Want To Be Close To You-Maxi Priest has been stuck in my head all week

still single
i'm fine with that but if i'm writing the same shit 30 years from now it's gon be a problem

i have a number of shoes in my friggin closet that have never seen the light o day
i keep buying them anyway
i walk around the house with them tho
no. i'm not crazy

People don't seem to get my obsession with sweats
THEY'RE FRIGGIN COMFORTABLE BASTARD
what more do i have to say

The Forgotten

As i sat on that subway car flipping thru the pages of Maya Angelou's Just Give Me a Cool Drink of Water 'Fore I Die,
it flooded my senses.
That odor of misery,
hopelessness.
despair,
shame.
I smelled her before i saw her.
Watched as she took in the grimaces,
the steps to the side,
the laughter,
as one by one they moved to the opposite end of the train.
Observed as she stood,
back to the doors, as my eyes took her in.
The evidence of how unfair life, at times, can be.
I'm not gonna lie.
I, like so many others,
forget the unseen,
the invisible,
but on that day (and i still am not sure why)
but that particular day, she made herself seen to me.
Appeared like a ghost before my vision
back rigid,
head high,
eyes staring forward





Two years ago I was on the 2 train headed for class at BMCC when this homeless lady stepped on. I'm tellin you i never seen grown folk act so dumb. Okay she smells, are you surprised? Well apparently some people were. Now you ain't gotta stand there if the odor is too foul for you to stand. watever. just move and leave it at that. But no. Grown folk wanna act like thay reverted back to the third grade. Snickering, laughing, making snide comments. Now i wanted to straight up smack somebody up in that bitch. While all this is happening, she just stands there staring straight ahead as if she can't hear what they're saying. On the real. I felt so bad for her (like on a whole nother level type shit cuz i always feel sympathetic for the homeless). Anyway my stop is coming up soon and i'm thinking i gotta do something like i wanna redeem her faith in people type shit. I'm broke as hell and only have a twenty on me (mind you i didnt eat anything yet and i was gon be in classes all day) so i struggled with if i should give it to her or not (that may sound wrong, but fuck it i was hungry and tired and about to spend the better part of my day up in that school building stomache growling and shit). while im having this conversation with myself she sits down in an empty space near some folk and man their faces. smdh. So i looked at her one last time and thought " u dumb motherfucker here you sit thinkin bout a 20 and a few hours without food. bitch please. that ain't shit compared to what she's going thru". Stop is coming up so i stand up go to where she's seated lean over and ask her : "what's your name?"
Sherrie she whispers. Man that shit broke my heart. I say "God Bless Sherrie" and slip the twenty into her hand while i shake it. Man. She she started tearing up. That "Thank You" i got was the most meaningful thank you of my life. i didn't even think just hugged her and said take care and rushed my ass out that train before i broke down. Just barely made it through the doors before the tears fell. What really struck me was the air of dignity she had despite her circumstances. So i'm sending out a prayer that wherever Sherrie is, she's okay.

What got me thinking bout this was an e-mail i got from CUNY to participate in a homeless strret survey where volunteers get assigned to an area and make a record of the number of homeless.

so this is what the email says:
On January 28th, 2008, the New York City Department of Homeless Services (DHS) will be performing a survey of unsheltered homeless individuals to produce a point-in-time citywide estimate of the population, the Homeless Outreach Population Estimate (HOPE). Teams of volunteers will canvass streets, parks, and subways to count the number of people living on city streets. This important information will be used to help homeless people leave the streets for a better life. To that end, The City University of New York is assisting the NYC Department of Homeless Services in their search for CUNY Student volunteers. To register or for further information, visit www.nyc.gov/dhs or simply call 311 and ask for "The Homeless Street Survey".