rhymes revisited-VULNERABLE

noone ever loved him, so he kept it close
said his heart was never something he'd ever let go
wasnt one for the chase, wasnt tryna be his buddy,
ova a chick caught a case. on the concrete pouring bubbly
its like this
inferiority complex
like staring at east village condos from roach infested projects
he couldnt find hope so his spirit never fine tuned it
victim of the system never had noone to miss him
miscellaneous. never knew his roots so how could he
ever lose it?
it being his past he says it
be in the past so he swallows them memories back tryna stop the heart attack but an aspirin just wont cut it
wounds too deep and he can't cry wondering what to make of it.
it never made much sense but he took what he could from it
Fought demons that threatened to drive him insane and render him deranged its crazy the way we survive sometimes he'd say
gotta cut shit out that makes you weak
be it your tongue cuz you cant control the words you push forth in your speech
or
see Terry Fox Run
lost a limb to disease
it's all relative
i'd cut out my heart
if i'd still be able to breathe
________________________________________


what will you remember when darkness finds me?
When all that remains of me is a lingering shadow
When the woman i used to be is left to be conjured up in memories that seem to fade as days pass
and my face can no longer be recalled with any sense of clarity
grainy pictures
the only remnants of my presence
what will you reach for?
What will you pull thru time to remind you of me and the moments we shared
will my name on the day of my passing bring tears to your eyes
or will it like so many anniversaries that go by,
be rendered
insignificant?
__________________________________________________

leaning over you
one hand tucked under my chin
i can't help but think how beautiful you are
i know u hate when i call you that
but in these few unguarded moments
chances to
watch the rise and fall of your chest
listen to you breathe
caress your face with my eyes
gaze at you with all the love
brimming at the surface
yearning to be expressed
I can look upon you with all the passion my soul cries out for
sending you all i feel
hoping you recieve them
hopeful, romantic, sentimental, tender
unsure
afraid
so as you open your eyes and smile
"Good morning baby"
I think tomorrow
maybe tomorrow
i'll let you know
____________________________

i'm bout to do some swagga jackin (i'm sure Tenacious won't mind)
ask me anything you want to know
i'll be honest so don't ask me shit that you dont really want the answer to
like did i get turned on by that TWO CHICKS ONE CUP vid?
I KID. I KID!!!!
Don't go throwin stones

rhymes revisited- Grief

crimson
it flows
down her hands
trailing over mahogany skin
and onto her clothes
the red mixing with the blue of her work skirt
pooling to create mulberry purple
Black was what she saw when she heard the news
crumpled to the burgundy carpet of the reception room
woke up to sounds of anguish
screams of 'please not my baby'
Didn't realize that the piercing sound
was emanating from her very own mouth
could've sworn it was someone else
Days passed
four sunsets
she sits in his room rocking back and forth
gathers all the pictures from his shelf
as the screams continue in her heart
Her only son
life cut short
was told, nothing we can do for him now
so as she sits on his bed
surrounded by his clothes
remembering the day everything lost color
only black present
a searing pain that only a mother could know
____________________________________________

'I regret ...'
two simple words
3 little syllables that shattered her peace
that caused blood to rush to her head and almost caused her heart to cease
end it's beating to end her life cuz how could she go on
husband, brother, father, son, uncle, police officer
knew of the possibility and the risk
but a call to the uniform he was unable to resist
from stick up kid to law enforcement he's say then laugh
a gutteral sound emanating from deep within
used to be the one saying 'fuck the police'
43 year old African American male now walking the beat
surveying the streets
Those same streets he used to run wild when he was a teen
those same streets where his life would end
11 years after joining the force
now laid to rest
flag upon his coffin
sea of blue
fallen officer, fallen angel
'.... to inform you..."
_________________________

Standing in front of the full length mirror
she drops her robe and stares
at lines that mar her hips and stomach
trails her hands over them
and closes her eyes tight to stop the flow of tears
but as she traces the ridges with the pads of her fingers
overcome with a tide of emotion
her body bends forward
spirit breaking
racked with sobs
Mark Clyde
she hasn't spoken his name out loud
not since...
not since that day
but it's been three years
so
she cries
alone in the room
naked, trembling
she recalls
she remembers like yesterday
those six months she loved him
then lost him

truth is

black was the hand i was dealt
race aint a card that i play
cuz that extra melanin i possess aint no joke
when it got folk dragged behind the beds of pickup trucks
and i aint on no
'that was thirty years ago' shit
cuz somehow people still find it funny to use our struggles as slapstick
when you still gotta worry bout being bashed with a nightstick
and for sure betta put them hands up quick but not too quick,
'fore that trigger click
They wanna call me paranoid
no
your vision's distorted cuz i can see quite clearly
they say i see conspiracies everywhere,
they're right cuz i'm a visionary and the shit that's really scary is
i'm like that homeless man on the street
screamin the ends gon come but aint noone tryna hear me
want me to explain the zoning practices of the FHA
or why anotha liqour store pops up in the hood every damn day
discuss the working poor,how you can't live off ur wage
why we losin youth to the streets cuz they say its the only way
why they tearing down projects to replacem with high rises
tenements to
tens for rent
and move the poor folk out cuz you know they can't buy em
mass exodus known as gentrification
move the downtrodden out to make space for the well off
won't let us forget our place,
this won't ever be our nation
John Benet still talked about years after her death
still hear about that little white girl to this day
put the country on hold got strangers bereft
cowboy hat and frilly dress ingrained into my head
but sorry it aint news if we cover Lateisha
yeah i understand she was raped and killed by her teacher but
headlines
she just won't make headlines
and i'm a reporter got deadlines
so can't waste time on dead lines that won't get me that paper
so how bout you try to get the news out on your local paper
and maybe stick a coupla flyers up around town
ima wish you the best and see you later


"Those who fight monsters should make damn sure they don't become one"
line taken from one of my fave shows, law and order

those infomercial people must think folk are stupid
they make the simplest shit look complicated so they can sell crap
i dont need a friggin .............
Richard Simmons?
smh. Why?!??
Who would take weight training advice from someone who looked like that
a whole buncha people that's who
not me

I'm tryna get Monica Brant as a trainer man





I googled fitness models and i came across this:

What the hell made her think this was a good look?!?!?!?!


A lot of fitness models have implants
watev
do u
but....the 'bolted on, reaching your damn shoulder' look is not cute

i should get my black ass back to the gym
It's been two weeks
i been slackin

Xena warrior princess was a much better show than Hercules
plus her costume game was on point





i'd make a hot ninja son

taking up ninjitsu sometime this year
probly closer to the middle
but yall folk betta watch out.ima bad mother now. wait til i get some training. won't be able to tell me nothing.

crazy folk love them some me

crazy folk love them some Diana. Im just saying everywhere i go i come across them psychotic fools. no place is safe. not even church.

incident1: this new guy comes to the church. He's some fresh off the boat Haitian immigrant so his english is not so good ya dig? nyway.a family from the church was moving from bk to florida so we threw a going away party for them. I'm sitting chilling with the girls and i can see ole boy grillin me like i was a fuckin t-bone steak or something then he has the nerve to sit next to me. Why the fuck for??!!!! mad empty seats and shit but this nuccah sees fit to sit all on top of me. Needy ass. I try my best to ignore the lustful looks he's throwin my damn way but then ole boy had to open his friggin mouth. Now if we wasn't chillin at a church thing, i woulda done me and acted a damn fool but i humored his damn ass. He asked me my name. i told him. Asked me if i lived in bk, i said yeah. Then tell me why dude asked for my number??!! Well hell!! This nuccah was a bold and dumb fuck. A lethal combo (lethal for him, not me). I gave him this look but did this nuccah get a damn hint and move from in fronta me before i did some dumb mess??!! No cuz his ass was crazy. He then decided to tell me he was in love with me.hell. u aint spoke but two words to a sistah. i'm fly but i aint that fly. Then i start thinkin maybe the language thing is throwin him off and he means 'like' not 'love' but no, that'd be too easy. He then says he wants to marry me. whatnahell?!?!?!Then tell me why this nuccah had the nerve to throw God into it talkin bout " i know God sent me here so i could meet you." The whole time i'm literally shakin my head in disbelief. He then proceeds to tell me that before the year is out we'll be engaged. You know a sistah had to get the hell up out her seat before she said something she'd regret. I got up off the balcony tryna head back inside. Why'd this dumb fuck follow me askin for my number still?!?!?!? I told him in no uncertain terms that he had a George Bush jr.'s chance in the ghetto of that happening. You'd think he'd get it right? But like i said he's crazy, so he didnt get it. Tell me why he was askin around for my number? ugh. This fool doesn't even live in bk anymore but i hear he stay sayin im his future wifey. I met the dude once. One fuckin time. whatnahell?!?!?!?

incident two: I went to the movies to catch the The Great Debaters and me and my homegirl Fi' are just sittin waiting for the friggin dumb previews to be done. This old head comes and sits two seats away from me. I got the feeling that if my bag wasn't there he woulda sat his black ass right nex to me. nyway. I can feel him staring me down so i'm giving him the side eye. I say watever plus the movie's startin up so i forget about ole dude. Then. it happens. i see a movement outta the corner of my eye and i catch him touchin himself. I said hell naw!! but i decided maybe he's just adjustin his ole self. I continue to watch the movie and i catch him 'sneakin' glances at me. SMH. of all the damn emoty seats in the theatre....nyway. I keep my head fixed forward even though i'm aware of where his nastly ole hands are at all times. then his ass does it again. This time his hand stays there too long for me to front like he's just fixin his shit. I turn to my friend and let her know what's up. By the time i turn back he's diggin around in his bag and i hear plastic ruffling. i'm like oh hell naw?!??!? what he gon do? pull out some lube and get to work right there??!! Nah he doesn't do that. He just starts watching the movie again. I breathe a sigh of relief and get back to the screen. I hear it again tho. he's riflin through his bag again and his hand is in the vicinity of his balls again and this ole freak is staring in my damn direction. I've had enough. I turn to tell my friend we need to move to another isle or something but when i turn back around, ole head is nowhere to be found. Guess he got his nut and bounced. Thank you Lord. so i got to enjoy the rest of the damn movie.

incident 3: I went to KFC ( no black jokes please) the other day and as i was waiting on line some dude comes in and stands in line behind me. Normal right? yeah well that was until his crazy ass decided to start mumbling to his damn self behind
me. I'm praying that the friggin person at the counter will hurry the hell up so i can get my shit and get the hell away from this damn fool. No can do cuz of course the universe is plottin against me. Anyway i finally get up to the counter and i'm placin my order(10 boneless honey bbq wings and two biscuits in case u were curious). Why dude decides to stand next to me lean against the counter and stare at my ass?!! Crazy folk really need to leave me the hell alone. My order finally arrives so i head to the back where my homegirl is waitin and get to eatin my KFC.(them biscuits were bangin by the way). So i like to people watch and i'm sitting near the window just watchin folk walk by when i catch a glimpse of dude's reflection in the glass. I can see him starin but no way is my black ass gonna acknowledge this crazy fool. He finally leaves and why does this dumbass stop right in fronta the window and smile at me like we're long lost friend's or something?!?!?


incident 4: same KFC. only bout two minutes after the last incident. Some other crazy that was in there ( but who i didnt notice cuz i was keeping my eyes on crazy no.1)stays smiling at me just before he starts to head out. I breathe i sigh of relief but of course i did so too early. This other idiot decides to follow the lead of his brother in insanity and stand by the friggin window makin love faces and pointing at me(This freak of nature is sportin some bootleg Snoop Dogg on meth rockin permed locks and he had the nerve to have a damn woman's head scarf on too smh) (just imagine him wearing the scarf instead)
So my friend is there and since she's standing by the door cuz we bout to go, she didnt notice this crazy dude until i signaled for her to check out the window with my eyes. She starts dying of laughter and since it was funny so did i. As we leave, the crazy fool decides to try to talk to my black ass. I was not stickin around to see if he was one a them nonviolent freaks so i hightailed it outta there.

I need some damn insanity repellent or something
It never friggin fails. The crazies always find me.

Come To My Window


Never Gonna Give You Up


I Belong To You

rhymes revisited-CUZ HE IS THE TRUTH

No hiding he says
eyes piercing my soul
and two shallow breaths later
two rising and falls of my chest
no secrets
i know i said the words
my mouth moving to form them
but
the rush of blood to my ears prevented me from hearing them
so i smiled that shaky smile i do when i'm nervous
and prayed that i could let go
____________________________________


firm calloused hands that grip my waist as lust offers the only escape
tongues that invade as passions rise
screaming for hunger to be sated as scorching heat
sets the room aflame
and u slip deeper into me and I hold tighter onto you
as hands explore the unknown
mouths discovering peaks and valleys with wonder
as you make your way to my breast
licking
sucking
coaxing responses with your skill
to the soundtrack of rapid heartbeats and shallow breaths
silhouette of arched forms and fingers raking across backs
voice raspy and unsteady
as you hold me close and whisper in my ear
'like that?'
swift intake of air
my back against your chest
'yeah
like that'
sweat drenched sheets
glistening skin as bodies meet
moving to the beat of desire
i start to squirm as you delve into the heart of me
offering no retreat, no escape from release
as you grip my thighs tighter
i reach forward clasping your head as moans crescendo like symphony
the favor returned
as i take you into me
wet
warm
ready
ecstacy-filled groans followed by
orgasmic loss of speech
as our eyes lock
heaven found atop silk sheets
_______________________________________________

a man who loves music
a man who loves art
who respects the spirit world and thinks with his heart

sounds good to me
______________________________________________


If only for one night
can i guide you inside of me
have you travel the depths of my body
explore my heart
my mind
and take a tour of my soul
i don't need guarantees
but pray that when the journey's over
i can let you go
and somehow
walk away

whole



_________________________________________

In
security
in your arms i find security
loss of
insecurity
Your embrace, strong sinewy arms
erase those painful words
memories of
sit ur ugly ass down
nappy headed ho
No
just
nappy headed
used to be my shame
head held low
wont u please forget my name
please
forget
my name
But
u helped me to see that from within u saw that glow
like neon lights emitting
glow of light through fog
while sitting
u came and rested ur body next to me
that park bench where u tested me and i tested you
like fall and SAT's i questioned you
you said u knew i was the one right then
came at you with the hardhitting ten
didn't accept mess
could tell I was a woman
wanting of men
and not of little boys
When u said you were in school
no car
i said do your thing
eventually you'll buy your toys
Laughed at my jokes
sometimes, too hard i thought
funny? me?
You brought forth my inner
comic, vixen, queen
vestiges of insecurity no longer remain
they tried to call my name
you quieted doubt in my head
and in your security
in your arms
i find
Security
_____________________________________________

Apparently chick has love on the brain. No prospects in friggin sight but these late night timelife love/soul/lust watever the hell infomercial craps are getting to me.
All this friggin slow music and folk getting married left and right (not that i think i'm ready for all that crap mind u) is only amusing for so long


Yeah, yeah i know. ima young bastard i got time or so i tell myself. Thing is...ole girl moves real slow. Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaal slow. Then i don't trust easily, don't open up. Can't take a compliment for shit. hella sarcastic. Not putting out (does anyone still say that?)til i see that ring.

never was the type to inspire poetry
seems what they saw in others could never quite see in she
treasure hidden like sunken ships under stormy seas
expedition deemed hazardous
so no need for retrieval team

My track record is pathetic as all hell. no pathetic would be light years ahead of where i'm at. Some interesting info (well actually more like sad):

My longest relationship was in the 3rd grade
yes u read correctly. That's the FUCKIN THIRD GRADE!!!!!
22 Never been in a real relationship
I don't think my two week foray into dating counts

I'm bout to go off on the next guy that friendzones my ass
Guys always complaining bout getting friendzoned
I am the fuckin queen of the friendzone damnit!!!!!!!

i've been told i might be a bit too aggressive
or as my buddy likes to put it 'u need to be castrated'
Honestly. I can't shut up. I will straight tell you how i feel whether you want to hear it or not. I like to argue. it's my thing. I don't mince words and it might get annoying

Oh i also need to start dressing like a girl too i guess.
I see nothing wrong with me and my brothers sharing clothes but apparently the fellas ain't really feeling it. (this is the same girl who hit up the club in sweats-hey atleast they were red)
Yes it has led to a few mistaken lesbian id's but i figure being comfortable is worth it.

With all of my issues, yes i will take some blame for my predicament, i give myself til 50 to find someone i will even consider spending the rest of my life with.

hmmmm if the way to a guy's heart is really his stomache, i'm assed out. I don't do the cooking thing.

i don't think spinster with 1500 cats is a good look for me (do black folk do that shit???!)

rhymes revisited-almost doesn't count

if i give u my heart, will i get it back broken?
see my insecurities lie just under the surface but roots dig deep
these are not the cursory worries that people have of giving of themselves
i've had hopes shattered too often to dream
don't get me wrong
i'm not searching for pity
a life of regrets doesn't offer much for the soul
but i don't think i can afford to take the chances that others do
giving all too much of myself
and always seeming to play the recurring role of the fool
so before you offer me platitudes of how you'll never make me cry
and how you see the future in my eyes
cut the crap and tell me something real
i only consider it romance if the words are actualized
like dreams never realized and love never materialized
almost doesn't count
never did

_____________________________________________

i never wanted to be this

this
empty shell of what should have
could have
would have been
If only i could traverse the space and time continuum
have my future self warn my past self that he was just
no
fucking
good

see
i thought, i really did believe that he loved me
took his words at face value when he said he'd always want me
didnt question the new scent i smelled when he'd hug me cuz i just knew
he'd never do me dirty
and figured we'd have no reason for this thing i thought was love to end
cuz what could be better than good fuckin from ur very best friend
and i just knew i laid it on him,
4 inch stilettos on , and on and on until the early hours of the morn and

I don't even know why i'm cryin
because i said the last time was the last time
but i'm steady here, soul dyin, tears no closer to dryin, and fuck it
there's no denyin

i still


love him
_______________________________________________

I wonder how i will be remembered when i pass
So far i've led a pretty unremarkable life
i'm working on that

I reminisce, i reminisce


what i'm listening to right now:


reminds me of “Children For Sale”, a Dateline NBC documentary on the issue of child sex trafficking.



smh.sad ain't even the word

So i was walking down flatbush ave. and i spot an old family friend. He asks about my mom and i say i guess she's okay but i don't live with her anymore and since we're not really speaking, i dont know her number. I tell him if i see her i'll let her know he asked about her. While i'm talkin to him this girl comes up and says " I don't mean to be disrespectful and i don't know if that's your girl, but she's lookin good" puahahahahaha. i about died of laughter. Now i was hella offended tho. I didnt mind the come on. i didn't mind the bootleg lustful look she threw my way and i didn't even mind that freaky lip licking thing she did. but how the hell??!!...I was offended she had the nerve to even think that old head could be my man. Either ole girl's gaydar was malfunctioning or she just didn't give a damn.I think her statement suggested the latter. I wish yall coulda seen this chick. She was straight butch. Talkin bout 'don't wanna catch chick in a dark alley, turn you out in prison, strap on a strap-on' type mofo.


Yep. yeah. i know. You only came to talk to him. The fact that you came through the front door and got naked as the day your mama popped your white ass out means nothing. Neither does the fact that you've been e-mailing who you tought was a 13 year old boy about sex for two months now. You weren't gon do nothing. These to Catch a Predator fools kill me. Sittin there holding your friggin nuts talkin bout you just came by to chat. SMH.
speakin of to catch a predator

this man here is dumb as all hell. i cant even...smh. there's just no hope for some folk



I just finished watching a youtube vid and it reminded me of an incident i saw at BMCC. Here goes. This guy had his pants down to just below his ass and you could see his boxers. One of the deans asked him to pull up his pants and he politiely refused citing freedom of expression and all that good stuff. The dean then proceeded to call up security to come handle the situation. The security guards then asked him to pull up his pants and again he said no (dude didn't cop an attitude or anything). He was then informed that unless he did what the dean asked he would be suspended. At that point ole boy got visibly irate and said he was doing nothing wrong. He then asked under what authority did they have the right to expell him. The dean said she had that right under the school guidlines bulletin book crap that they give out to students.(those werent her damn words but yall know what im talkin bout). So ole boy asks to see these guidelines to which the dean just ignores him and repeats the same request her dumbass asked him the last two times. Anyway the student starts goin on about how he's being unfairly targetted. He then says that he works and attends college fulltime paying for his own education and how he'd be damned if he'll be treated like a little boy when he's a grown ass man.
Now i despise the pants below your ass look but ole boy is right. How they gon tell him he could get expelled for his fashion choice??!! Yo i about died when he pointed to some white girl that was passin by with some booty shorts and a cut off shirt talkin bout why yall aint threatening to expell her. LMAO

I tend to speak my mind and i really don't know how to keep my mouth shut. So even if i do what's asked of me, if i don't like it or disagree, i will for sure let you know. Hence the 'i know you aint talkin back to grown folk' beatings. SMH. Anyway.
I tend to dress in a fashion that others might term 'bummy' (although i'd prefer comfortable). Straight sweats and sneaks type of girl and i will occasionally throw on a baseball cap. So i walked into my health class the first day and i knew me and the prof were gonna have drama. He gave me that cursory once-over and i could tell he wrote me off as a slacker. (Seeing as how i'm not easily phased, i didn't really care as long as i got my damn grade) He then asks me to remove my cap, which i do immediately. I woulda left it at that and K.I.M. but... he had started on some holier than thou spiel on how folks who wear caps indoors appear ignorant and how one must effect a professional demeanor when in class and all sorts of condescending mess. Know you know a sistah had to get him off his high horse and bring him back down to the real world. Wasn't nobody in there for a damn job interview. We were there to learn what he had to teach and as long as we did our damn work and didnt wear anything so outrageous as to be distracting, why the fuck is he caring??!!!! Nyway the damn bastard hated me from that day and i'm convinced that's why he gave me an A- instead of the A i friggin deserved;gon mess up my damn gpa and shit.

i'm attempting to tackle 17 credits this semester.Hoping i won't be contemplating suicide by its end, but i'm tryna get the hell out of Brooklyn College as fast as possible.