Music: vernacular of the soul


Thursday, February 7, 2008

What u know about that?

I'm 5'10.5" tall. This is the just woke up measurement. I shrink as the day goes on
I weigh 185 lbs. Never was one to care bout the number so much as the shape/ fit of clothes but i'm mad i weigh more than mosta the guys i know.
I am Haitian American. I love my heritage, culture, history, etc. but i need to know hella more. I'm tryna do a family tree. A fuckin mess i tell you. These negroes be like the KGB actin like they the keepers of the hope diamond or something. Keeping they mouths shut. I got quite a few family hos tho. Side children out the wazoo (who the hell says that?)
I am the eldest of my parents' three children. Also known as mistake no1. Two other mistakes were to follow in the course of 8 years.
I am a daddy's girl. My dad is like my bootleg best friend. sorta kinda? I talk to him bout almost everything.
Aside: I watched porn for the first time about two years ago. I was going through the closet and found my dad's stash of ancient 70's/ 80's porn flicks. So of course i popped them shits into the vcr. Am i the only one who cares bout the acting??!! It was horrible yall. Nyway, i put the crap back in the closet but forgot one in the vcr and went my ass to sleep. So apparently i ejected it but forgot to put it with the other shit (it was some lesbian mess by the way which in and of itself aint a thing but combine that with my liberal views, my stance on gay marriage, my characteristic abrasiveness and the fact that me and my brothers share clothes... well let's just say my dad be giving me the side eye sometimes). my dad saw the shit sticking out the vcr and was like " Diana, you forgot ...." and he didn't finish the rest cuz he gave me this wtf look. I was mortified yall. I managed not to faint or die of laughter. I was stuttering and shit, tryna make up some crap but i eventually just said. uh yeah i was curious. Never seen one before. Right about now you're probably thinking " why the hell is she tellin me all this?" Well i forgot one more thing about me. I'm insane. Next. Where was I? okay back to awkward porn discovery moment. Suffice it to say that was one of the most mortifying moments of my life. In an attempt to preserve whatever little sanity i have left, my subconscious blocked out the resulting conversation.

Apparently i come across as abrasive, harsh, bitter, what have you. Yes i can be sarcastic as hell. Yes i curse like a drunk horny sailor just come on shore after three long months hella excited to hit up the brothel (who the fuck says brothel?). Yes im quick with the wit and stay with the smartass comeback. Yes i'm aggressive and blunt BUT....

I'm one of the nicest folk you'll ever meet (as long as you're not getting on my damn nerves).
I'm bout as close to an empath as i can probly get. I feel things deeply son. A real emotional chick. I cry at movies. Cry while watching PBS documentaries, cry at Feed the Children commercials, books, pictures. You friggin name it.
I will still busta cap in folks ass if they wanna act a damn fool tho.

Commencing with the tmi stuff. I got my first period in the 7th grade during a bootleg party for spanish class. My stomache was hurting and i assumed it was diarhhea but alas, it was the dreaded red curse. (OKay whynahell were the girls in my fifth grade class making periods sound cool?!!!? Fucking idiots. You bleed like a friggin stuck pig for 5-7 days. Why the fuck where they all smiling and excited and shit. They had a sistah fooled. I was actually anticipating it.Then reality smacked me upside my uterus. (My mother apparently never got cramps and she had the nerve to tell me i got them cuz i walked around the house barefoot...These Haitians and their non-medical explanations. Please find me a medical journal where they show that walking around without slippers gives you cramps cuz ima have to give my mom that million bucks i owe her) Have a happy period my ass. or maybe my vagina is more appropriate. Bitches smiling and wearing white and floating around in the air and shit.

no i'm not pmsing

Ima stop now
Ima finish this up tomorrow
ask any questions u want a bk chick to answer

Don: sorry bout not answering ur question man
i'll add that tomorrow

15 public opinion:

Caesar Cannon said...

ooh, I cuss like a fucking sailor too!

I don't cry, but I used to bust (knee) caps... well... it was that one fight and he was asking for it.

I ain't got no questions, but damn, you really got a lot to say about yourself. congratulations.

Cannon (Mr. P)

Mizrepresent said...

I just love how you know who you are and walk that that Dejanae...Haitian too! i KNOW you have strong kids are HAITIAN/African American...and they are some proud ones too!

Ms Sula said...

You are one of the smartest people I have met recently... and I am usually parcimonial with compliments.

And let me tell you that the people who see you as abrasive and what not do not have insight. Point blank.

I adore the cursing, it's just so.... BK (for you! stupid commercial, smh)

And yes, PMS is a BYTCH named HELL! :)

Happy period. Ha!

(and I feel you on the lesbian thing, I'm sure my parents secretly think I'm one too. Lol!)

Sha Boogie said...

Dead @ your dad finding his/your porno tape, LOL!! To through and mad at it!

And, I need you to give me my life back - specifically my height and Although I did loose 10 pounds because of that whole 'how clothes fit thing'you mentioned, otherwise I love it! I wear the same size shoes as my boo, isn't that the worst!!!

Karrie B. said...

lmfao @ ur dad being ur bootleg best friend...omgggggggg back in the day (before we actually got one) we thought period were SOOOO POPPIN...EHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! how wrong we were...

-karrie b.

Marleaux said...

That was seriously hilarious.

Ok, I remember when I found my dad’s porn stash. And I remember him saying that he would never watch it, cause he could pull chicks. Actually, I think he was bragging to my godfather, having one of those bs convos over beers. And I was in his room looking for some vhs’ cause he used to rerecord movie rentals. Came across some tapes under his bed. Black Debutants and what not. Already knew the deal. And I was just waiting for the right time to say “Ahh Hah, you do watch porn, caught ya red handed, lying ass Dad” But that just seems inappropriate under any circumstances. He and I talk about everything, like old friends, and always bagging on each other(do ppl still use that term), but having a direct porn convo; I’m not trying to jump that fence. And yes I did look at his, and put in back precisely where I found it. Turned the label the same way and everything.

And like Chris Rock said, you can have a secret room hidden by a book shelf that opens to lead you throw tunnels and a security door that requires eye and finger print scanning, but the porn will always be found in the VCR. Found my ex’s Sugar Walls one time. He was super embarrassed, but it finally got to a point where he was open with his porn addiction. He would walk in the door happy as heyell waving the latest tape of the collection, and those girls had gun shots and stab wounds, I just didn’t get it.

LMAO, I think having cold feet is just a period myth. Cause I would always wear thick socks during that time to combat the cramps.

Always.Funky.Fresh said...

Ahhh...the secret porn stash. I think every dad has one and when it's stumbled upon, they probably wonder how you found the shit but it was in plain sight. You should have pulled that joint out the VCR and been like, eh, it's not that good. LOL!!!

Anonymous said...

AHAHAHAH This post wast too fucking funny

My first porn stash found was simply sad and squalid, with some low quality comic that was featuring more eroticism and better acting than half the stuff some broads be pulling out TODAY!

Dagny said...

The guys at work thought I was demure and all when I started working with them. I was just trying to feel them out. Now I curse like a sailor -- my usual self. Well, they curse too.

And you should have been in 5th grade with me. I would have told you the truth. Birth control and ibuprofen is what keeps me sane these days. And the ibuprofen isn't working today. And I'm trying to keep my mouth shut at work because who knows what will come flying out.

Oh, and I'm definitely a daddy's girl. Only child. I talk to my dad near daily.

Xavier Pierre Jr. said...

"she had the nerve to tell me i got them cuz i walked around the house barefoot"

Uh, yeah... and you not spose to eat pineapple either. But I'm sure she told you that. LOL

Did you ever live in Haiti? I lived there for a number of years. very interesting place.

Peace and love,
Ali's Zay (

Homeland Colors said...

Way tmi but you are a great writer. I couldn't tear my eyes away from the page/screen.

Don said...

This post has me crying laughing. I don't know if you meant it to be funny, but it was funny as hell to me. LOL.

You went from one left field scene to another left field scene to yet another left field scene. I have begun to enjoy that about you. In between, you slipped a "emotional moment" in our lives.

I'll check this weekend for the answer to the question.

*bopping my head @ To Zion*

dejanae said...

son we can be a cap-busting team
u gotta be the sidekick tho
i don't play that second fiddle shit
ima first string-muhfuka

hey hey hey and thnx
i wish more people would be proud of their heritage and wanna actually get their education on

sula: thnx hon :) u got a bk sistah blushing

sha boogie:
so u my doppelganger huh?
son. folk stay crackin on my feet. I be like what u want? they're proportional to my height asshole

u don't even understand the extent to which them heifas had me fooled
i wanna go back and smackem

Black Debutantes? okaaaaaaaay
well them thick socks stuff sure as hell didnt work for me

man. come on now. i was too mortified to be funny

thnx for stoppin by
i can't stand the bad quality shit

People be getting it twisted with me too
then they actually have a damn convo with me
It's a
girl i wish u was in my 5th grade class
woulda had someone spitting the damn truth

pineapple? aint heard that one
lived in Haiti from age one to three
Spent a few months there in junior high
very interesting indeed
i love it but assimilation was a mother

tmi? u really think so?
man i was tryna keep shit as kosher as possible (well 4 me that is)
thats quite a compliment man

glad to amuse you
man u know im schizo
I was singing that all this morning

patrice said...

lol.. I gpt my firstperiod Communion Sunday in a Snow white dress!! Talk about embarrassed!! I was DONE with church at least in my mind, since my momma prmptly kicked my ass out the house the following sunday!

dejanae said...

daaaaaaaaamn a white dress?
atleast i had on a dark brown skirt that day.
I woulda been so embarassed if i was you