Insecurity

apparently
i am not enough for him
all 5 feet ten inches and a half of me
yes
that 'just woke up in the morning spine aint yet compressed from the long day'
5 feet 10 and a half inches
all 180 pounds
185 on a bad week
all
sass and class
and brass.....balls
tho invisible they may be
i am not enough for him
that quick witted
sharp tongued
sarcastic woman that is me
that gutteral laugh from deep within
that sometimes masks insecurities
because i am not enough
no frilly dresses
no designer jeans
all i have to offer is me
and
sometimes it just takes a little to convince myself that maybe
he isn't enough for me


I really need to step my workout game up
start eating clean
put in 100%

It's sad but i can't do a proper pushup to save my damn life.
Thinking bout saving up so i can get a personal trainer for a few months. probably just 2 or three
I'll take it from there

I really eat like shit
Yall heard of the freshmen 15. I had to be special and put on the freshman 30
still working my way back

I'm making a concerted effort to be more friendly
even smile every once in a while
That shyness shit stopped being cute after the fifth grade so i count to 10 and just do it

I get to rambling sometimes. for sure will start shaking and sweating but atleast i womanned up and did it

Public speaking is not really my thing but i will get to dancing like im audition for Flashdance 2
I didn't go to the salsa class Saturday like i was supposed to. heard it was hot.


Speaking of hot, I get hot real easily
so while everybody is walking round with their gloves and scarf. I'm good wit my hoodie or t shirt and open jacket.
What folk need to do is stop lookin at me like i'm crazy or worse
I hate when they act like i done lost leave of my senses
You see me walkin with the hoodie
My jacket is tucked into the strap of my bag
My teeth aint shattering
How in the hell u gon ask me if i wanna borrow ur jacket. Do you think i'm so stupid i couldnt figure out
cold + jacket handy = I can dress my fuckin self
or people who tell me to zip up
Why in the hell are you worried?


You know what i'm really afraid of?
Not living up to my potential

That and drowning
burning to death
coming across a serial killer
the state of the world
getting to them pearly gates and God is like "sorry. ur name ain't on the list"
That'd be some messed up shit

You know what i can't stand?
females with no stretchmarks no damn where
u no stretchmark having motherfucker. get out my face.